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h_f_l
People misjudge and mistreat those that make mistakes and never take into account the hard work put in everyday to improve and better myself. I feel pushed away and ignored, My past will never define me, I can always change. It was bad judgment on my part for leaving but now its on you for shutting me out. I have been sober since 4/8/11 I've moved on. Why can't you?

...
h_f_l

im sorry I'm not who you thought I was, I got lost in the shuffle of confusion, starting wars in my head. I'm sorry I don't fit your perfect chizzled but still rigid and imperfect puzzle. I am no angel, far from it I have seen the wicked dark and evil but my heart will always remain. Demons and destruction snuck its way back in, tearing and stretching me way to thin. I ran from myself till my reflection was gone, my sanity and faith diminished it vanished, I hid from thoughts that I'd forgotten that I buried down deep with my regret with quotes my father once said pulsating in the back of my head. It can be good, never to look back but you can't force yourself to move forward.

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meh
h_f_l
Six months just seems to long, and it's been longer. After I wasn't attending meetings Susan told me if I didn't see a counselor or attend meetings it wouldn't be until then that the six months would begin. In a way I don't understand how my actions don't speak for themselves and how I'm still being held accountable for the things I did so long ago. I feel like I've been pushed aside only to come back once everything was "fine" again. Like the end result was more important than why I did what I did and even after I apologized how I still don't get any phone calls and at this point..I don't want any. I don't understand why the girls even have to be a factor at all in my sobriety . I don't understand why I couldn't see them just once over time under supervision without having to let the kids know what was going on, they don't need to know. but now I feel like explaining is all i need to do. I don't want them to think I left them. Honestly in my head, I was sick, I wasn't right and I was being juvinille. Not to excuse my behavior but I was 19 and being a straight up dumb ass, I was ignoring past unresolved issues fucking with my head. All these things I've had time to work out and understand and really get to the core of why I did what I did and I have. I've been doing a lot better in that aspect. Overtime the only obstacles I've been dealing with were always about the girls and how I missed them. I cry just about every night. I never thought I'd be lonely for the holidays again. I didn't think I'd have to worry about them.."leaving" I dont know a better word for it but it's the feeling i'm all to familiar with. I hate feeling alone or like I've been left or abandoned. My dad has always been the one by my side who's seen me at my worst and at my ugliest. I've hurt him so much and yet he stays by side. I've fucked up more times than I can count, I have learned a lot and lost even more. I gained a new perspective with each mistake. I thought Susan would always be there. She didn't call me during my surgery and I felt I had no one to talk to about my grandmother that passed in September and didn't even call on my birthday. I never thought she could hurt me like that. It feels different the pain that has been caused by their actions. With my mom it's on going and I expect it and I keep tight lipped most of the time just to avoid an argument, an argument can and usually leads to months of no communication, we barely see eachother anyway. Talking is pretty much all we have and we barely do that. Keith was an asshole and overtime it just wasn't suprising what he did. Susan wasn't...it just wasn't supposed to be like this. I don't know how I'll move on from this or not think of the things she has done. She said if I didn't go to meetings it was like I didn't care enough about Faith. I am doing everything and more for this babygirl of mine and I won't give up ever, How could she say those things? I know my faults and the things i said and openly admitted to them and apologized, I don't understand how she can sit there and not say anything. I wish she would just give me the time of day and open her mouth and maybe open my eyes to what she's seeing so that I do understand. I hope we overcome this. In the end that's all that I want, more than anything I just want to be a part of the girls' lives again. I know it won't be the same but I will do anything for the girls. It's 11/12 about a month 1/2 I will finally be seeing my munchkin and her sisters. I really wish it wasn't Christmas when I would see them, I feel like that moment when I see them will be very emotional for me and that it should be a private moment, I don't know what everyone else knows about what's been going on with me or my situation or if they're going to be just as judgmental. I just want to enjoy the time I have with the girls that day, I haven't seen them in so long I'm scared they won't want to spend time with me.

Beginnings
h_f_l

It's gunna take a bit to get through this next transition of my life. I need stability, I need change, I need for mNnny life to start and only I can start it.  I've tried to gain back the childhood and teenage years o felt I had lost. Most of the things that have happened in my  life forced me to grow up in many ways. I lived it and fucked up in the process, I learned from my mistakes. I want to put them behind me and move on to better things and be an adult.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


Beginnings
h_f_l

It's gunna take a bit to get through this next transition of my life. I need stability, I need change, I need for mNnny life to start and only I can start it.  I've tried to gain back the childhood and teenage years o felt I had lost. Most of the things that have happened in my  life forced me to grow up in many ways. I lived it and fucked up in the process, I learned from my mistakes. I want to put them behind me and move on to better things and be an adult.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


(no subject)
h_f_l

I guess I did grow up fast. My mom.was in jail by the time I was 6 and out by 8. I remember I never wanted to.get caught up in that and u would never do the things she did, I never planned or ever thought I would get that close to who my mom used to be. The one lesson I didn't need to learn, she ruined everything. Blamed our non existent relationship on me, prob more so on my dad but took it out on me. I never understood why she hatred him so much. He's always taken care of me. I've always wished he stood up for himself. I started really seeing her when I was 12. I couldn't wait till I didn't have to do that shit anymore. My visitations with her were few and far between when she got out of jail. Always coming up with excuses not to see me, I wondered why I couldn't have just one mom that wanted to be a part of my life. When I was adopted my birth mother couldn't take care of me, adoption was the only way. I always grew up thinking and wishing for just one person to love me completely for everything I am and want to be with me and call me and call just because they wanted to, I had never had that. My mom made my life a living hell calling me every insult she could think of and make me feel like everything I did was wrong, I was never right, just her. I remember I was talking to her one.night when I was pregnant and.she said something about my dad and the baby, I finally stood up for myself, something my dad never did. I felt accomplished and free from feeling scared of her. I grew the backbone I needed to handle any situation, I needed to be strong for my daughter..and I was. Things got worse after I did that. She can't control me anymore and I think that pissed her off. She told me about her cancer a month after I have birth. I've stayed with her.and.made it a point to come.and.see get and take.care of.her when.i could. My mom is strong and a bitch but I love her. When it's serious I've always dropped my shit for her which I never get fucking credit for. In no way have I been selfish when it came.to.my mom but thats the one thing she can call me, that and a bad mother and.it literally makes me laugh. I fucked up huge. I.went to far.going.into a world.i.didn't think id.come out of but did. Sometimes people congratulated me but I couldn't feel happy. I should never done it. But I am so ecstatic I made it this far. I was drinking by 11 and hit that peak at 13. I did marijuana. Thats it. I.learned alot over my years and even.though there are.things.I'm still working on to fix I have been through to much and it's time to.grow up. I finally lived out the summer I've always wanted while i was in high school. I did.it and.now I'm over it. I want a.job and to be back.in college. I need to do this. I'm not 17 anymore. I'm an adult. Time to act like one.

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These past 5 months
h_f_l

Honestly when I left for Indiana I don't know why. All I know is I was on drugs and I had nothing for me here in California except Faith and the girls,but where I was heading I never wanted them involved. I love them to much, I knew what I was doing but running away was all I could do, I knew I was fucking up but I didn't care. I had lost all my friends and Eric left his crew to go to Indiana with me. We basically ran away together. We probably manipulated eachother, I needed a place to stay and he needed a ride back home. I don't even think he knows why he left. I kept running and never found what I was looking for, just disappointment from poor judgment, bad choices, irresponsiblities and knowing I didn't have to care knowing I had a place to live and no rules added to that. However when I finally separated myself from Eric, things finally got better for me for a short while. I stopped with the pills and moved in with Eric's other aunt, Kay and his cousin Chris. Even after moving in all I did was stay home with Chris and smoked weed. There would be days we wouldn't smoke and just watch movies, talk, and just stay in bed. Eric came over once and he never came over, he despised Chris. Even more so that it was his cousin and we liked eachother. That day he asked for the car, he was blowing up my phone that morning, i turned my phone on silent. I fell back asleep and awoke to the sound of banging on all of the windows, I knew it was Eric. I finally went upstairs, Chris slept in the basement, and Eric was is in the driveway. I just wanted him to leave so I gave him my car. He used it to get drugs probably pick up girls and his dumb ass friends and ended up running away from cops and drove it into a ditch. He called that night, I was high, and all I heard was that my car was gone. His story didn't make sense, I mean why would it he was drugged out. I didn't realize that until Chris pointed it out, I had it on speaker phone. I couldn't believe this happened, I called my insurance company, the cops, and Eric. It all happened so fast. I didn't even react I was in such shock. That night and the nights that followed changed everything. I changed and Chris saw me spiraling out of control first hand. I started drinking and finding ways to get other drugs to fulfill that need..to yet again run away. I knew I was screwing up and that a guy was not a reason to stay and I was still figuring out who I was and I was showing him a side of me I didn't like, a side only my dad has seen. I really liked him but the sain part of me knew deep inside, Indiana was not in my future. I wanted to fix things with my family and get back to the girls. I realized and understood there would be restrictions however I never knew they would take me away for that long. I would never do anything to hurt the girls, I realize that I hurt them and and the family, I disrespected everybody including my dad and myself. I was in a selfish state of mind and running away  using drugs to cover up my emotions and let go of everything. I knew I needed help, I needed to go home. The night I went home was also the first night I went back to meth. I sadly knew where to find it. I asked for $20 from my dad and a ride from my friend Dana to this motel. I met a random guy and he got me what I needed. I soon there after was drugged out, not living at home again, lying about where I was and having him wire me money for my drugs. I finally went home, I had enough and couldn't stay where I was staying anymore. I had no where to go but home. My dad saw the result of me coming down..again. Even worse then,he caught on and I know scared him, disappointed and hurt him. We yelled and yelled And then got better till I finally got completely off of drugs and started thinking clearly. I wanted rehab. I went to rehab for a day, they didn't let me stay due to check ups needed for my supposed "mental health."  I had gotten the drugs out of my system on my own, the rehab was not what I needed. I knew I could do this on my own , I knew I could never do this again, this time was different. I lost everything most importantly my baby girl and her two wonderful sisters. The amazing trio. I fucked up but I can do this. I had hit my rock bottom at 19. I've been sober for 5 months. It was so hard, believe me. Cravings are not fun and the effects it has on your body when you think about it, I can't even explain. I've gotten to a point where I get them but it doesn't make me freak out and tense up, I am very proud of how far I've come and I can't wait to go even further. The first month was so hard. Dana was my only friend at the time and also my oldest friend. She knows almost every aspect of my life since I was thirteen. My prime years. We had a falling out and didnt talk, going to different high schools didn't help.  We started talking again. She came over close to everyday, I really needed that at that time. We went out, every night something new. Something to take my mind off cravings, stress...just everything. I quit cold turkey and just smoked cigarettes. I started talking to my friend Amanda again, I owed her a long overdue apology. I wanted to start smoking weed again. We started talking again like nothing ever happened and our summer began. I met so many people had and went to many parties. Pool side fun, drinking and just being young. I'm sorry but how bad can it be when your being responsible about it and the times I have been present the guards at whatever pool I was at never had a problem unless it was past the time we were allowed to be there. They asked us to leave, we apologize and left. Other times that I haven't been there I can't account for and shouldn't be held accountable for others wrong doings. I may be friends with whomever commited wrongs however, I was never involved in anything that I shouldn't have been involved in. Susan talked to a woman in the community by the pool where me and my friends often hung out and had apparently heard of some things that happened with young people at the pool drinking and other activities that I was never involved in and hasn't.heard of till I was told by my dad when he asked Jeff. Yes I had been drinking and honestly nothing other than that except weed. A turn of events occurred, I got over my summer I just need and want to be back in school or working.Something to fill out my days. Since being sober I have taken it upon myself to just grow up. In maybe simple ways to some but honestly I was lazy and yes spoiled, my dad takes care of me, one of the other reasons got running away to Indiana. I am not ready to be on my own, health insurance is a bitch when you have none and you have to take care of yourself, essentials are fucking expensive, and many men trey to take care of you with that clever small print bullshit I have to do something in return. I.got taken advantage of alot. I should use what I learned and apply some of this to my life. Well I had my summer and then I had to have surgery to remove my gall bladder which was inflamed so that stalled the job hunt. I really need a job, recently over the past few months. Actually since I was released from rehab I swore to my dad I.could do this on my own, I could never go through what I've gone through again, I've lost everything and earned most of my life back and trust with my dad. I just have one more thing to accomplish. The girls, and I'm working on it. I see a counselor once a week and will be seeing the girls on Christmas if I keep up appearences with her. For awhile they were asking specifically church and meetings and when I didn't I lied. I just wanted to see the girls, at that point I was going crazy, I wanted to see them, I miss them. I acted on impulse and fear that if I didn't go she would extend the amount of time to my seeing them which I messed up by lying. It's ben hard not seeing them. I think about them all the time. I need to write them. I'm not scared anymore, I.just need to do it. They deserve everything in the world. I have my.daughter to a family that would.live just as much as I did, thankfully I got to stay in her life the way I did. They are doing what they think is right for the girls. I respect and understand that. They don't understand my situation they tried but every addict is different but I don't think I should be shoved into.a category I shouldn't be in. That's not me, that's not my story, that's not the right move for me. I would not say I was an "addict" I have addict tendencies but I know when my type has reached it's end and when to clean up or at least know where to start to pick up the pieces and move forward and fix what I have damaged. My daughter for example, the family might be in a tough situation at the moment, when I was or found out I read.pregnant I stopped everything I was.doing, smoking, drinking, cut bad friends/people, took care of her and realized she needed someone better than I..unfortunately. I would have.been believe me I would but my babygirl deserved/deserves everything and more. I life I could never create for her but wanted for myself since I was a little girl. I needed that for her, her happiness is all that matters. Their, the girls happiness is all that matters. Not my past or the drama with their parent and I. I'm hurt by how they are percieving me without knowing or understanding my individual needs that.i have that are not in.any way similar to a user of that or any drug for many years. I have recovered, am recovered and will.remain sober.

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w/out her
h_f_l
I can't fully be happy without her, I'm a wreck inside.
We used to play hideNseek, she would always hide.
Her face lit up when I found her.
Here reminicing, here alone without her.
Everytime I think about her I hear her laugh.
I'm a loss without her, heart on a respirator ready to crash.

(no subject)
h_f_l
I dont like relationships. Scratch that I don't like dating. I don't like the thought of being put in awkward situation to then make the decision weather or no we like each other. I am always down for friends and if something happens, it happens. I don't like the emotions that go in dating or relationships, I just don't like being vulnerable in general. It truely scares me..getting close to someone or even the possibility of getting close idk it makes me cringe. I've always had bad boyfriends, i don't like to think I have a type but others would like to disagree. My life starting with my first boyfriend has been crazy. My boyfriends/"whatever else" and my life has always been crazy.
I'm pretty sure I've dated the "nice guy" before but it was always just a fascade. I don't know how I couldn't see it. I'm almost positive guys have just this way to get a girl to fuck him or they know the right things to say. I've fallen victim to that mistake a couple of times and it got me into one of my better relationships with Chris. He wasn't someone I would want to settle down with but I really liked him and still care for him very much. I met his cousin before I actually met him and wasn't with his cousin but was "friends" with him. Guys don't know how to show how they feel and not to make this sound like I'm a slut but I have dated a lot and know a couple things about most guys. Not a lot of guys like to be honest about their feelings, they love mindgames, and if they can get into your pants with those mindgames he has had a good night. Eric was  a different kind of guy he wanted me and him to see other people. I thought this was great especially in the place I was in so I was like great lets gofind me a man and you a few girls. He would always get jealous or mad and say something mean about me or the guy that was w/ and be an asshole and then call me randomly telling me how much he loved me. Chris on the other hand he told me what he felt and that he liked me but that was hard knowing I was probably going to be leaving. I'm not dating anyone at the moment but I'm sorta seeing this guy Matt and I'm already over it. I don't like thinking that I could maybe like this guy or think I might get hurt this time. The last guy I was with was Chris and he was more than amazing to me and treated me in the way I always wanted to be treated by someone I do obviously still miss him and unbeknownst to me by any means I still miss Eric and I will always care about him as well. I love Chris like I love Pam and his mom I don't have any kind of love or respect for Eric but I still care. Sometimes I still think about them and wonder wtf I was thinking but then I think of where I am now..passed the bullshit. One thing I still need to work on is the respect I should have for myself, I don''t know why I put myself last but I do and I don't want  to, I want to be a better me.

(no subject)
h_f_l
I've lost a lot of things over these past months and they have gotten progressively worse since turning to drugs. Lately thee cravings have gotten worse. I've been clean for 3 weeks now but over the last week it keeps getting worse and I stay up late eating my cravings away. I want to put that into something else but it just seems hard to get rid of that pain. I keep hoping it will ALL just go away and I can snap back to normal but I can't. I don't wanna gain this weight back either that will make me so much more depressed..with that said I almost forgot my point. I wanna try drinking water with maybe only one can of soda per day. There are a lot of things I keep thinking about that I just dont want to..many I just keep to myself but one of them is Eric, whom I just found out was recently taken to jail for robbery and then the like of my life as of right now...Chris. I'm trying to not talk to him or think about him but those two things are all I can think about.


I can't stop thinking about the road trip or just random memories of me and Eric and then I come back with just bad memories. Every time I think of Chris just think of every single stupid inside joke or just randomness that went on and it was fun but I don't want to think about the one thing I can't have, the one thing I miss. Well him and his mom. We literally just stayed up all night watching movies or I would go to sleep and he would just be on his fucking xbox haha. Either way he would always come to bed and cuddle, I would always wake up to him holding me. One night in particular always comes to mind, we were at his friends house and he told him he would fix something on his xbox and Chris did it with no complaints and worked on it all night, even though I didn't really care...He came to bed and said sorry I was late. I just thought it was the cutest thing. While being there I got sick and looked disgusting and if you know me i literally do not want to be seen and he still wanted to kiss me even though I was sick and told me he liked me. He made me feel beautiful. I miss him, I miss that. I miss talking to him everyday and waking up next to him. It was really hard saying goodbye...

When me and Chris first started hanging out I really didn't think at all that I would feel about him the way I ...did or do now, I'm still not sure but I think it's probably a good time to move on but even thinking about it makes me want to cry because I like him so much and I have never felt this way about any guy. I really did find a needle in a haystack and I found a man that  liked me for me and now I'm here in Cali and everyday I wake up next to no one, no one to make me feel beautiful and I just want to be sober but sober..living with him. There may be things he doesn't have to offer but I don't care.
I really am just sad. I want to get better and I love my family but I can't have them right now either.
I'm almost at a point of anger that I came back but I want my life back..I know it seems silly or stupid but I was happy.