h_f_l (h_f_l) wrote,


Six months just seems to long, and it's been longer. After I wasn't attending meetings Susan told me if I didn't see a counselor or attend meetings it wouldn't be until then that the six months would begin. In a way I don't understand how my actions don't speak for themselves and how I'm still being held accountable for the things I did so long ago. I feel like I've been pushed aside only to come back once everything was "fine" again. Like the end result was more important than why I did what I did and even after I apologized how I still don't get any phone calls and at this point..I don't want any. I don't understand why the girls even have to be a factor at all in my sobriety . I don't understand why I couldn't see them just once over time under supervision without having to let the kids know what was going on, they don't need to know. but now I feel like explaining is all i need to do. I don't want them to think I left them. Honestly in my head, I was sick, I wasn't right and I was being juvinille. Not to excuse my behavior but I was 19 and being a straight up dumb ass, I was ignoring past unresolved issues fucking with my head. All these things I've had time to work out and understand and really get to the core of why I did what I did and I have. I've been doing a lot better in that aspect. Overtime the only obstacles I've been dealing with were always about the girls and how I missed them. I cry just about every night. I never thought I'd be lonely for the holidays again. I didn't think I'd have to worry about them.."leaving" I dont know a better word for it but it's the feeling i'm all to familiar with. I hate feeling alone or like I've been left or abandoned. My dad has always been the one by my side who's seen me at my worst and at my ugliest. I've hurt him so much and yet he stays by side. I've fucked up more times than I can count, I have learned a lot and lost even more. I gained a new perspective with each mistake. I thought Susan would always be there. She didn't call me during my surgery and I felt I had no one to talk to about my grandmother that passed in September and didn't even call on my birthday. I never thought she could hurt me like that. It feels different the pain that has been caused by their actions. With my mom it's on going and I expect it and I keep tight lipped most of the time just to avoid an argument, an argument can and usually leads to months of no communication, we barely see eachother anyway. Talking is pretty much all we have and we barely do that. Keith was an asshole and overtime it just wasn't suprising what he did. Susan wasn't...it just wasn't supposed to be like this. I don't know how I'll move on from this or not think of the things she has done. She said if I didn't go to meetings it was like I didn't care enough about Faith. I am doing everything and more for this babygirl of mine and I won't give up ever, How could she say those things? I know my faults and the things i said and openly admitted to them and apologized, I don't understand how she can sit there and not say anything. I wish she would just give me the time of day and open her mouth and maybe open my eyes to what she's seeing so that I do understand. I hope we overcome this. In the end that's all that I want, more than anything I just want to be a part of the girls' lives again. I know it won't be the same but I will do anything for the girls. It's 11/12 about a month 1/2 I will finally be seeing my munchkin and her sisters. I really wish it wasn't Christmas when I would see them, I feel like that moment when I see them will be very emotional for me and that it should be a private moment, I don't know what everyone else knows about what's been going on with me or my situation or if they're going to be just as judgmental. I just want to enjoy the time I have with the girls that day, I haven't seen them in so long I'm scared they won't want to spend time with me.
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