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Better Than What I Used To Be
I'm not the person that usually posts a blog hoping that someone will read it, these are my personal thoughts and feelings that I wish to express. When I was a kid my childhood was less then perfect and as I got older those memories made there way into my early teen years.
When I was about twelve or thirteen I thought I knew it all but the one thing I didn't know was myself. I tried so hard and explored many things that got my ass in trouble. I smoked weed for about two years and drinking since I was eleven. I didn't have my head wrapped around reality yet. When I first started my second year of 7th grade I didn't think it would be a good environment for me being mashed up with a sea of immature tweens that haven't even hit puberty yet but I actually made more friends and met a boy that struck my interest. He was sixteen going on seventeen and I was thirteen going on fourteen. At that time I was still a virgin waiting to explore another horizon in hopes of being noticed. I started spending time with Keith as much as I could and at that time in my life I had never been so destructive but happy at the same time. I wasn't always like that, before that I used to be a carefree girl that at least stayed within the limit line but the thing was I think that my whole life leading up to them was just a scared kid waiting to break out and scream. When I said my childhood was less then perfect I meant it. I was adopted and made fun of for a long time, I think I was also the three out of ten latino people at my grade school. I wished my skin was white, like my mothers but she's a different story. My mom and my dad got a divorce when I was about a year and a half, five years later she was in jail, a couple years after that she was in rehab and by the time I was eight I then started seeing her regularly. I was confused as to what she was to me and didn't know what to do with this new person that came into my life at such late due date. Although she visited me, every few months it didn't help fill the void or the missing chunk of my heart. We hardly saw each other and when we did start talking (which didn't happen till I was thirteen) she blamed me for never calling her. When I was around the age of eight and nine, I had no idea what to do and I was left with the thoughts "why doesn't she ever call?" I know now it was never my fault. I was young and she is obviously the mother and it was her responsibility to make sure I was ok and to set up the dates when we saw each other which was very slim, it would have been months until I heard from her. When I turned fourteen she finally started calling and I basically wanted nothing to do with her. Ever since she told me that she was diagnosed with cancer, I have done nothing but trying to at least start a talking relationship with her but it's been non-existent until I called her and she asked me if she could see Faith. This whole year since I had the baby I've seen her maybe three times and that is the equivalence to her phone calls, its either that she doesn't care or she doesn't notice that she never calls and that it hurts me, which would be worse. I have finally come to a conclusion after all this time, I can't have her be a part of my life. I know if I get back into that again that I will start drinking with her again. I'm actually doing good for the first time in my life, I've found myself, a new family, and morals and that means more to me than she would ever provide. I'm tired of being hurt and tempted. I'm at the point in my life where its like if I get a 'B' I feel like an under achiever and I'm better than that, I'm better than what I used to be.