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what is normal???
h_f_l
So at this point I feel like my life will never be "normal." One of my friends just had a dance at their school a week ago and now another is getting ready for homecoming and just a few months ago my friend just had their prom and graduated. It took me a really long time to get over the fact that not only was a year behind but I moved because of it. Those feelings have re-surfaced just recently and I feel completely... I don't even know a word for it. I have everything I have wanted when I was younger and that's a family, however I'm never going to have a graduation,prom or homecoming. I'm never going to have these experiences my friends are having and I think that's why I want my 18th birthday to be extra special. I feel over the top selfish for having such high expectations for something I don't even think people will understand. My first real party was when I was really little when my dad was dating someone. Those parties I don't even remember. I never got to experience a normal childhood and this un-normalcy continued till now. My mom was in jail then to rehab when I was 6 till I was 8. When I was 10 I had to go over every other weekend and that's when I started drinking. When I was 13 I started smoking pot and partying, sneaking out and doing so many things up until I got pregnant. I went back to school after my daughter was born and started doing some of the same bulls#!%. I quit just last year and had one slip. When I found out I was pregnant I took myself out of public school and enrolled into an independent study. Once I enrolled in public school for my sophmore year after Faith's birth I took myself out to re-enroll into access. It was my choice for pretty much my own good to get my sh%* together. I lost a few friends in the process and now I don't have that "real" senior year. I'm not trying to focus on the bad but it just seems like it's creeping up on me and this f*@%ing birthday is making it worse. I have never been that person to do that and sulk on the bad because if I did that well...I guess I already tried that and I obviously got help for it. Ughh... I have always been the person to make the best of things and I have where I rise from the ashes and make something of myself because what good would it be to get wrapped up in stuff that will make me ill. I'm not one of those people where if something bad happens I go off the deep end. I got myself into trouble but it wasn't because of any situations. I just want all of the stuff to go away but it seems to tap on my shoulder to remind me of what a piece of shit person I had used to be and what a shitty childhood I have had. Which isn't to say someone hasn't had a worse childhood than me. The one thing and beautiful thing that came out of that was my daughter. I will never regret that or anything I have done because all of my stupid behavior led to her and my family.

Because it was just me and my dad till I was 15 years old it had always been a dinner out or at home for my birthday and my 16th birthday was what I felt was my first. I have been so blessed but and not to say that I'm not from my rant on my blog but I guess I just finally want to say it. You know the other thing is that I always say my life compared to many others is just whatever and I still do think that but for me and my experiences it does matter to me.