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early note..
so today is a new day...i needa get my ass to the store and get some good healthy food and snacks and go to the gym even when I don't feel like it. I feel so sick right now, ear stuff and possible strep either way i'm just blah. My weight is at a fluctuation period right now. It's up one week and down the other well now it's up again and the numbers are a wrench to my eyes. I hate it and it makes me feel that much more sick.  When I got pregnant I gained an intense amount of weight and the first year was the hardest the beginning of this year I had been so used to the previous years that I haven't done anything about it. I need to get back on track and I want to do this for me. So first thing : I went online and saw the height to weight ratio chart. Mine is about 135 so basically I want to lose quite a bit of weight to get to that. This time I don't want to have this long term goal, I need to plan it out and be organized and focused and determined and motivated. NO FAST FOOD ! WATER WATER WATER !
SOUP VEGGIES AND FISH !! COOK YOURSELF THIN BOOK !! EXERCISE !! GO BACK TO BOXING !! my first small goal is...wait...ok today is the 9th of October. ok so camping will be this weekend and that is a good start cuz they starve me anyway up there and there's nothing else to do but walk haha. I am determined I want to lose and I do want to express my reasons so that I dont feel like i'm hiding. I love to hang my friends but it's also scary cuz they're much thinner than I am. I am much heavier and not to say I wasnt before i got pregnant but I looked a lot healthier and chubby now i feel that i just look fat. in my pictures and just in my body and that's not how i want to feel beautiful in my skin and not find strategic ways to conceal it. which by the way makes me feel worse. I would feel happy just to be at 150. right now i think i want my goal to be to lose 5 - 10 pounds by the end of this month. and that's doing everything exercise and eating right and not go to fast food or late night ice cream. I always say "but I was good today" but then I feel shitty afterwards. all that hard work just to eat 300 calories 15 g of fat. Anyway I will be using my blog as an outlet to help deal with those cravings for fast food but fast food I feel is just addicting. fast and good. then u get used to it but IM DONE !! and I cant do this and continue to do this to my body. Hopefully I will write at least once a day and by the end of this month hopefully there will be 5 - 10 pounds less  of me. prayers for that willpower !