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I started a diet a while ago...I haven't had the success of it being a very long diet. I'm on the wagon then off it again. I have been on and off my diet for about two months now. I feel amazing when I'm working out and eating healthy. I feel energized and excited and even though I didn't lose 10 pounds in that day I feel 10 pounds lighter and I feel like I see that in the mirror. When I eat fast food and sit around all day I feel disgusting, depressed and often have thoughts of loss and that I will never have a bright future. So why do I keep falling off the wagon and go back to that depressing state of mind? It's not that I forget, I don't know. I just know I need this for me, myself, and I. I'm not going to deprive myself of things I want but I'm not going to eat them all day everyday and sit around and be lazy either. The last couple of days including this past Monday I have been to the gym 4 times in a week. Two of those times were in one day. I went back for more because I had so much energy. However went back home after 21 minutes. When I was in school I slept all day and the rest of my time I devoted to homework, internet, and t.v. Not very productive but I felt that at the time I was to busy to go to the gym. Which in my case was just an excuse. I was so lazy and didn't want to go out. Although, now that I am getting back into the world I'm now beginning to find that I do have some scheduling conflicts die to a social life and etc. Sometimes work schedules are hard because you have to work around them and make time. I have all the time in the world. I just finished up high school and don't have a job. Pretty amazing. I just need to manage my time better. I like going to the gym in the morning. Usually no one is there so I can run like a maniac without people thinking I'm crazy. I can also sing at the top of my lungs and sound like shit and no one is there to care. I can so my crazy stretches without worrying how my ass looks. Most of all I don't have to be around people that have semi good looking bodies and have to see that and then catch a glimpse of my body. However what keeps me going is the fact that "I'M HERE" I'm doing something about it and I feel that, that is what others see when I'm at the gym and that is that "I am doing something about it." I'm not at home watching t.v. eating. I look at myself in the mirror after a workout and want that immediate gratification of instant results. All that work and I'm still in this fat suit. Then I look again and I see myself sweating after a hard days work feeling better that I'm here trying to catch my breath rather than being at home trying to catch my breath because I can't stop crying over the fact that I'm not skinny. I remember I was thinking the other week, Why can't I have that body, Why does she have an amazing body and I don't. Blah Blah Blah Why Why Why Pity Pity Pity. I had that epiphiny. Why am I....ME...Still sitting here feeling bad for myself and what I don't have when I can be making that happen. Maybe not instantly but working hard toward something I WANT. That is all on me, I want to make it happen. I want this !! So bad. I want to be in bed touching my body and loving the way I feel. I want to walk passed the mirrors in bathrooms and smile and want to look at myself for hours. I want that !! I WILL work hard !! and no matter what een if I fail and fail again I will get back up and try again. I WILL do this not for anybody elses satisfaction but my own.