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To Succeed or Not to Succeed
I haven't been feeling very well these last few days. A bit of it has to do with the HPV/Swine flu shot I had gotten. Not only that but a few recent tests have got me thinking late into the night with the feeling of wonder. I just got an email back basically saying everything is fine !! SO that takes one bag of shit off my shoulders :)
However a few other things have been bothering me and that's my drivers license. I still have yet to get my license and right now, I need it baaaad ! Jobs that I've applied for that are are within walking distance has been crazy. Nothing has happened, and at this point I feel discouraged. Jobs I know of that I've heard are hiring require transportation of some sort and I'd so much rather drive than jump from bus to bus. Did you know it is now $4.00 for an ALL DAY pass? They keep raising the price, like everything else in this fucking economy. I hate it. Gas does cost money. No question. However 4 bucks a day in a month roughly adds up to around $112. I will only need my car to be getting to and from work. At least for right now until I can afford more expenses and until then I want to save enough money for the college courses I want to take. Seriously though, like honestly. I scared shitless. I'm barely fucking responsible for myself and at this point I am sick of my shit LMAO ! SERIOUSLY ! but I do want that kick in the ass so I can finally get a damn clue ! Why can't I do it myself? I do not know but what I do know is that I want those responsibilities. It is scary to feel so much out of your element that it becomes uncomfortable to even think about it. That's how I feel. I'm scared to take that step but I know I have to do it. Like my drivers license (which I'm completely avoiding.) I feel like everybody is better than me at everything...and then when I hear of a complete dumbshit doing what I think I'm unable or scared to do. I seriously vomit and piss my pants simultaneously. I'm just in aww of the fact that these dummies are getting these things and I'm not. And then there's that part of me that slaps me in the face telling me that the reason is, is that I'm not applying myself and that the biggest obstacle is just...myself.
If I was an onlooker, on the outside looking in to my own life. I'd hit me and shake me !! It might sounds like I'm being harsh on myself but at the same time I want to see myself succeed.