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Alone
h_f_l
I'm literally shaking in my skin right now. I don't even know how to explain this hurt that lies within my heart. I think of everybody that's ever hurt me,left me, or disappointed me. Quite a few people have decided to drop me. Not only that but people that I "love" have left our house but not our lives. However everything that has built itself over time has caught up with me... people that have recently decided either to stop talking to me, ignored me, left me or rejected me. They all pretty much mean the same thing. Once they left it all came rushing in, everybody that left plus them, I felt overpowered and more alone than ever. Even though they hold different circumstances. Everything together and all those people are in my head. One by one, they're gone. I feel unloveable. Unwanted. Ugly at times. Stupid. Unappealing. and worthless. However, I also don't give a shit what people think and that right there gives me the fuckin power !! What I have to say in this blog is basically scatter brained and bi polar. I'm all over the place. I don't care what people think but I also do have feelings and after a series of people in the last month that have just vanished it catches up with you and its then that I finally start to feel the hurt of these peoples absence. They don't matter to me yet it still bugs me. I used them like they probably used me to their own advantage but yet I'm the one feeling shitty. Why do I have feelings? Sometimes I wish I were a guy...emotionless and a user. That's my thought on men, well boys, guys, douchebags. Take your pick. Not all guys are like that but I tend to take the fucked up ones from the batch. But thats what I expected to you know? That's my fault in my jello of a brain. I pick the shitty guys, that way I'm not disappointed and I know what I'm getting myself into. I've had maybe one or two chances at the "good guy" but became afraid, and either made them friends or wasn't attracted to them. No wonder I'm alone. Everybody in my life I have gone out on a date with or just friends even my MOM !! have dropped like fucking flies. What does that say about me when my own mom can't find the will to love me. But then again that's her fault in her own character. She blames everyone but herself, I just end up getting in the middle of her bullshit. Guys I've dated have been really weird. Guys I had dated maybe a month or close to two. Nothing serious. Maybe a couple of dates that were just that one date. They've left. Some I've told them it wasn't working but in the end...right now? I'm now alone. First it was the guys, then my mom, and now my "family" has left the house. I feel more alone then ever. I tried to go in my room. It's so empty. My bed is empty. My heart? It's empty. My head though is full of fucking thoughts !! Which is great for me and my tear ducts. Memories of the blissful and fucked up. When I'm upset I think of all the fucked up things. My friends don't seem to stick around and those that try I get scared. I want to believe in a trust that is mutual between two people and it can't be unbroken. I've never known a trust, a love like that. My dad has been my rock. There through thick and thin but at this point in my life I need something like that but in a different form. In a friend, in a boyfriend. I'm not sure which will come first but I know that even though I feel lonely it will NEVER stop me from living my life. Sarah Out !! haha :)