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July 17
Today is Faith's birthday....to be honest I don't know how to start off this entry. It's been hard to explain it to people, nobody knows how I feel and as much as they try it's an impossibility. Nobody knows how I feel and it's not an easy subject so I keep it to myself.
Sometimes it's even complicated to explain it to myself but I get it...I know.

She turned three today. As much as it pains me and as much as it makes me want to jump out of my skin in excitement, I am nothing more than happy to see my baby grow up. We were on the sidewalk as she was riding on her scooter one of the moms said to Faith " Don't worry Sarah will catch you if you fall." Something so small and not in the context that was meant brought tears to my eyes. What I heard was that "Sarah will always be there when you fall and ready to pick you up and be there forever and always."  I am here in her life and this situation unlike many adoption stories I have an actual relationship with my birth daughter. When she smiles I smile and to know her family loves me as much as I love them gives me happiness unlike any other. As we sat down to open presents I looked at my dad and told him of the time, it was fifteen minutes till the time of her birth. My dad kept checking his phone, as did I. As the clock hit 4:59 my lips curled and cheeks fluttered. I held it back and got through it just fine. I am in no way bitter don't get me wrong but it was the memories of this baby that changed my life and the empty feelings. She wasn't in my belly, I couldn't feel her heartbeat and the night after when I was released I put her in her crib and said goodbye. I left with nothing but in that state of mind and not knowing I didn't think I would be leaving with a family as well. I miss her so much and on a day like today those feelings get more intense and those feelings rush in. She is surrounded with love, surrounded with family I know I made the right decision. Sometimes it's hard and some people may question me as I say this but as a parent I did right by her and gave her the things I didn't. As a parent you make the selfless decisions and they may be hard but it was right for her.