May 3rd, 2011

(no subject)

I've lost a lot of things over these past months and they have gotten progressively worse since turning to drugs. Lately thee cravings have gotten worse. I've been clean for 3 weeks now but over the last week it keeps getting worse and I stay up late eating my cravings away. I want to put that into something else but it just seems hard to get rid of that pain. I keep hoping it will ALL just go away and I can snap back to normal but I can't. I don't wanna gain this weight back either that will make me so much more depressed..with that said I almost forgot my point. I wanna try drinking water with maybe only one can of soda per day. There are a lot of things I keep thinking about that I just dont want to..many I just keep to myself but one of them is Eric, whom I just found out was recently taken to jail for robbery and then the like of my life as of right now...Chris. I'm trying to not talk to him or think about him but those two things are all I can think about.

I can't stop thinking about the road trip or just random memories of me and Eric and then I come back with just bad memories. Every time I think of Chris just think of every single stupid inside joke or just randomness that went on and it was fun but I don't want to think about the one thing I can't have, the one thing I miss. Well him and his mom. We literally just stayed up all night watching movies or I would go to sleep and he would just be on his fucking xbox haha. Either way he would always come to bed and cuddle, I would always wake up to him holding me. One night in particular always comes to mind, we were at his friends house and he told him he would fix something on his xbox and Chris did it with no complaints and worked on it all night, even though I didn't really care...He came to bed and said sorry I was late. I just thought it was the cutest thing. While being there I got sick and looked disgusting and if you know me i literally do not want to be seen and he still wanted to kiss me even though I was sick and told me he liked me. He made me feel beautiful. I miss him, I miss that. I miss talking to him everyday and waking up next to him. It was really hard saying goodbye...

When me and Chris first started hanging out I really didn't think at all that I would feel about him the way I ...did or do now, I'm still not sure but I think it's probably a good time to move on but even thinking about it makes me want to cry because I like him so much and I have never felt this way about any guy. I really did find a needle in a haystack and I found a man that  liked me for me and now I'm here in Cali and everyday I wake up next to no one, no one to make me feel beautiful and I just want to be sober but with him. There may be things he doesn't have to offer but I don't care.
I really am just sad. I want to get better and I love my family but I can't have them right now either.
I'm almost at a point of anger that I came back but I want my life back..I know it seems silly or stupid but I was happy.