June 22nd, 2011

(no subject)

I dont like relationships. Scratch that I don't like dating. I don't like the thought of being put in awkward situation to then make the decision weather or no we like each other. I am always down for friends and if something happens, it happens. I don't like the emotions that go in dating or relationships, I just don't like being vulnerable in general. It truely scares me..getting close to someone or even the possibility of getting close idk it makes me cringe. I've always had bad boyfriends, i don't like to think I have a type but others would like to disagree. My life starting with my first boyfriend has been crazy. My boyfriends/"whatever else" and my life has always been crazy.
I'm pretty sure I've dated the "nice guy" before but it was always just a fascade. I don't know how I couldn't see it. I'm almost positive guys have just this way to get a girl to fuck him or they know the right things to say. I've fallen victim to that mistake a couple of times and it got me into one of my better relationships with Chris. He wasn't someone I would want to settle down with but I really liked him and still care for him very much. I met his cousin before I actually met him and wasn't with his cousin but was "friends" with him. Guys don't know how to show how they feel and not to make this sound like I'm a slut but I have dated a lot and know a couple things about most guys. Not a lot of guys like to be honest about their feelings, they love mindgames, and if they can get into your pants with those mindgames he has had a good night. Eric was  a different kind of guy he wanted me and him to see other people. I thought this was great especially in the place I was in so I was like great lets gofind me a man and you a few girls. He would always get jealous or mad and say something mean about me or the guy that was w/ and be an asshole and then call me randomly telling me how much he loved me. Chris on the other hand he told me what he felt and that he liked me but that was hard knowing I was probably going to be leaving. I'm not dating anyone at the moment but I'm sorta seeing this guy Matt and I'm already over it. I don't like thinking that I could maybe like this guy or think I might get hurt this time. The last guy I was with was Chris and he was more than amazing to me and treated me in the way I always wanted to be treated by someone I do obviously still miss him and unbeknownst to me by any means I still miss Eric and I will always care about him as well. I love Chris like I love Pam and his mom I don't have any kind of love or respect for Eric but I still care. Sometimes I still think about them and wonder wtf I was thinking but then I think of where I am now..passed the bullshit. One thing I still need to work on is the respect I should have for myself, I don''t know why I put myself last but I do and I don't want  to, I want to be a better me.