September 3rd, 2011

These past 5 months

Honestly when I left for Indiana I don't know why. All I know is I was on drugs and I had nothing for me here in California except Faith and the girls,but where I was heading I never wanted them involved. I love them to much, I knew what I was doing but running away was all I could do, I knew I was fucking up but I didn't care. I had lost all my friends and Eric left his crew to go to Indiana with me. We basically ran away together. We probably manipulated eachother, I needed a place to stay and he needed a ride back home. I don't even think he knows why he left. I kept running and never found what I was looking for, just disappointment from poor judgment, bad choices, irresponsiblities and knowing I didn't have to care knowing I had a place to live and no rules added to that. However when I finally separated myself from Eric, things finally got better for me for a short while. I stopped with the pills and moved in with Eric's other aunt, Kay and his cousin Chris. Even after moving in all I did was stay home with Chris and smoked weed. There would be days we wouldn't smoke and just watch movies, talk, and just stay in bed. Eric came over once and he never came over, he despised Chris. Even more so that it was his cousin and we liked eachother. That day he asked for the car, he was blowing up my phone that morning, i turned my phone on silent. I fell back asleep and awoke to the sound of banging on all of the windows, I knew it was Eric. I finally went upstairs, Chris slept in the basement, and Eric was is in the driveway. I just wanted him to leave so I gave him my car. He used it to get drugs probably pick up girls and his dumb ass friends and ended up running away from cops and drove it into a ditch. He called that night, I was high, and all I heard was that my car was gone. His story didn't make sense, I mean why would it he was drugged out. I didn't realize that until Chris pointed it out, I had it on speaker phone. I couldn't believe this happened, I called my insurance company, the cops, and Eric. It all happened so fast. I didn't even react I was in such shock. That night and the nights that followed changed everything. I changed and Chris saw me spiraling out of control first hand. I started drinking and finding ways to get other drugs to fulfill that yet again run away. I knew I was screwing up and that a guy was not a reason to stay and I was still figuring out who I was and I was showing him a side of me I didn't like, a side only my dad has seen. I really liked him but the sain part of me knew deep inside, Indiana was not in my future. I wanted to fix things with my family and get back to the girls. I realized and understood there would be restrictions however I never knew they would take me away for that long. I would never do anything to hurt the girls, I realize that I hurt them and and the family, I disrespected everybody including my dad and myself. I was in a selfish state of mind and running away  using drugs to cover up my emotions and let go of everything. I knew I needed help, I needed to go home. The night I went home was also the first night I went back to meth. I sadly knew where to find it. I asked for $20 from my dad and a ride from my friend Dana to this motel. I met a random guy and he got me what I needed. I soon there after was drugged out, not living at home again, lying about where I was and having him wire me money for my drugs. I finally went home, I had enough and couldn't stay where I was staying anymore. I had no where to go but home. My dad saw the result of me coming down..again. Even worse then,he caught on and I know scared him, disappointed and hurt him. We yelled and yelled And then got better till I finally got completely off of drugs and started thinking clearly. I wanted rehab. I went to rehab for a day, they didn't let me stay due to check ups needed for my supposed "mental health."  I had gotten the drugs out of my system on my own, the rehab was not what I needed. I knew I could do this on my own , I knew I could never do this again, this time was different. I lost everything most importantly my baby girl and her two wonderful sisters. The amazing trio. I fucked up but I can do this. I had hit my rock bottom at 19. I've been sober for 5 months. It was so hard, believe me. Cravings are not fun and the effects it has on your body when you think about it, I can't even explain. I've gotten to a point where I get them but it doesn't make me freak out and tense up, I am very proud of how far I've come and I can't wait to go even further. The first month was so hard. Dana was my only friend at the time and also my oldest friend. She knows almost every aspect of my life since I was thirteen. My prime years. We had a falling out and didnt talk, going to different high schools didn't help.  We started talking again. She came over close to everyday, I really needed that at that time. We went out, every night something new. Something to take my mind off cravings, stress...just everything. I quit cold turkey and just smoked cigarettes. I started talking to my friend Amanda again, I owed her a long overdue apology. I wanted to start smoking weed again. We started talking again like nothing ever happened and our summer began. I met so many people had and went to many parties. Pool side fun, drinking and just being young. I'm sorry but how bad can it be when your being responsible about it and the times I have been present the guards at whatever pool I was at never had a problem unless it was past the time we were allowed to be there. They asked us to leave, we apologize and left. Other times that I haven't been there I can't account for and shouldn't be held accountable for others wrong doings. I may be friends with whomever commited wrongs however, I was never involved in anything that I shouldn't have been involved in. Susan talked to a woman in the community by the pool where me and my friends often hung out and had apparently heard of some things that happened with young people at the pool drinking and other activities that I was never involved in and hasn't.heard of till I was told by my dad when he asked Jeff. Yes I had been drinking and honestly nothing other than that except weed. A turn of events occurred, I got over my summer I just need and want to be back in school or working.Something to fill out my days. Since being sober I have taken it upon myself to just grow up. In maybe simple ways to some but honestly I was lazy and yes spoiled, my dad takes care of me, one of the other reasons got running away to Indiana. I am not ready to be on my own, health insurance is a bitch when you have none and you have to take care of yourself, essentials are fucking expensive, and many men trey to take care of you with that clever small print bullshit I have to do something in return. taken advantage of alot. I should use what I learned and apply some of this to my life. Well I had my summer and then I had to have surgery to remove my gall bladder which was inflamed so that stalled the job hunt. I really need a job, recently over the past few months. Actually since I was released from rehab I swore to my dad I.could do this on my own, I could never go through what I've gone through again, I've lost everything and earned most of my life back and trust with my dad. I just have one more thing to accomplish. The girls, and I'm working on it. I see a counselor once a week and will be seeing the girls on Christmas if I keep up appearences with her. For awhile they were asking specifically church and meetings and when I didn't I lied. I just wanted to see the girls, at that point I was going crazy, I wanted to see them, I miss them. I acted on impulse and fear that if I didn't go she would extend the amount of time to my seeing them which I messed up by lying. It's ben hard not seeing them. I think about them all the time. I need to write them. I'm not scared anymore, I.just need to do it. They deserve everything in the world. I have my.daughter to a family that just as much as I did, thankfully I got to stay in her life the way I did. They are doing what they think is right for the girls. I respect and understand that. They don't understand my situation they tried but every addict is different but I don't think I should be shoved into.a category I shouldn't be in. That's not me, that's not my story, that's not the right move for me. I would not say I was an "addict" I have addict tendencies but I know when my type has reached it's end and when to clean up or at least know where to start to pick up the pieces and move forward and fix what I have damaged. My daughter for example, the family might be in a tough situation at the moment, when I was or found out I read.pregnant I stopped everything I was.doing, smoking, drinking, cut bad friends/people, took care of her and realized she needed someone better than I..unfortunately. I would have.been believe me I would but my babygirl deserved/deserves everything and more. I life I could never create for her but wanted for myself since I was a little girl. I needed that for her, her happiness is all that matters. Their, the girls happiness is all that matters. Not my past or the drama with their parent and I. I'm hurt by how they are percieving me without knowing or understanding my individual needs that.i have that are not in.any way similar to a user of that or any drug for many years. I have recovered, am recovered and will.remain sober.

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