September 10th, 2011

(no subject)

I guess I did grow up fast. My mom.was in jail by the time I was 6 and out by 8. I remember I never wanted to.get caught up in that and u would never do the things she did, I never planned or ever thought I would get that close to who my mom used to be. The one lesson I didn't need to learn, she ruined everything. Blamed our non existent relationship on me, prob more so on my dad but took it out on me. I never understood why she hatred him so much. He's always taken care of me. I've always wished he stood up for himself. I started really seeing her when I was 12. I couldn't wait till I didn't have to do that shit anymore. My visitations with her were few and far between when she got out of jail. Always coming up with excuses not to see me, I wondered why I couldn't have just one mom that wanted to be a part of my life. When I was adopted my birth mother couldn't take care of me, adoption was the only way. I always grew up thinking and wishing for just one person to love me completely for everything I am and want to be with me and call me and call just because they wanted to, I had never had that. My mom made my life a living hell calling me every insult she could think of and make me feel like everything I did was wrong, I was never right, just her. I remember I was talking to her one.night when I was pregnant and.she said something about my dad and the baby, I finally stood up for myself, something my dad never did. I felt accomplished and free from feeling scared of her. I grew the backbone I needed to handle any situation, I needed to be strong for my daughter..and I was. Things got worse after I did that. She can't control me anymore and I think that pissed her off. She told me about her cancer a month after I have birth. I've stayed with her.and.made it a point to come.and.see get and of.her when.i could. My mom is strong and a bitch but I love her. When it's serious I've always dropped my shit for her which I never get fucking credit for. In no way have I been selfish when it mom but thats the one thing she can call me, that and a bad mother literally makes me laugh. I fucked up huge. I.went to far.going.into a world.i.didn't think id.come out of but did. Sometimes people congratulated me but I couldn't feel happy. I should never done it. But I am so ecstatic I made it this far. I was drinking by 11 and hit that peak at 13. I did marijuana. Thats it. I.learned alot over my years and even.though there are.things.I'm still working on to fix I have been through to much and it's time to.grow up. I finally lived out the summer I've always wanted while i was in high school. I I'm over it. I want a.job and to be college. I need to do this. I'm not 17 anymore. I'm an adult. Time to act like one.

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It's gunna take a bit to get through this next transition of my life. I need stability, I need change, I need for mNnny life to start and only I can start it.  I've tried to gain back the childhood and teenage years o felt I had lost. Most of the things that have happened in my  life forced me to grow up in many ways. I lived it and fucked up in the process, I learned from my mistakes. I want to put them behind me and move on to better things and be an adult.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.